Voldemort’s Birthday Party
by Nyota
Summary: A play written by a bunch of crazy friends on a school trip. Crazy and random, includes Umpa-Lumpas, break-dancing, hot boys, and butter beer.


**I did not write this. My class wrote it on a school trip to Mexico last year. It has been on many fanfiction accounts, until it was given to me for various reasons.**

**I apologize for any injuries that take place because of our insane randomness. There is a little key-thing at the end, so if your terribly confused, look there  
**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Harry Potter. Nor do we claim to. We also don't own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, though we do own the peanut butter birds.  
**

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Voldemort's Birthday Party

A Play in 11 parts

Scene 1: Everyone's Crazy

_Rap music is playing_

_Voldemort is dancing to the rap music_

_Hermione is break dancing_

_Ron is drunk_

Voldemort's Conscience: HA! I got out of the rock after 60 years!

Voldemort: _sigh_. Those were the good ole' days. I wish they would come back!_Glares at Conscience_

Ginny: Who are you talking too? No one is there.

Ron: Hey! Look! The peanut butter birdies are flying through the sky!

Harry: I think you've drunk too much

Ron: The peanut butter birdies said I haven't

Harry: Yeah…I bet they did. Ron, let's go over there and get some cookies.

Ron: COOKIES! _Does cookie dance_ Wait. _Music stops_ I don't like cookies.

All: _GASP_

Voldemort: What a pity.

_Luna, Malfoy and Lavender are playing go-fish_

Malfoy: _to Luna _Got any 4's?

Luna: _to Malfoy _Go fish. _Pause _Got any 4's?

Malfoy: HEY! You were supposed to give me your 4's!

Luna: _Ignores Malfoy and turns to McGonagall _Have you heard of all the neat things about Crumple Horned Snorkaks? They have these amazing properties! They can cure blindness.

McGonagall: Well Luna, I must say I was proud of you for turning in SOME homework this year that had nothing to do with Crumple Horned Snorkaks.

_Hermione falls while break dancing and goes into a coma_

_Oompa Loompas come out and sing song_

Tingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding doo

I know a bushy haired girl like you _points at Hermione_

Tingle ding, silly thing, so smart yet weak

Now she is too scared to think

Tingle ding, poodle thing, she poofed up her hair

Now she has enough hair to spare

Tingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding doo

Take her too our mine for stew

_Opera_Tingle ding, tingle ding, tingle ding wee

Like our meat to be able to sing

Tingle ding, little thing, perfect for stew

Reminds you of Augustus Gloop

_Rap_Tingle bling, tingle bling, time for us to go

_Carries off Hermione_

Scene 2: Harry and Voldemort

Harry: Hi Voldy!

Voldemort: Don't call me Voldy, Potty.

Harry: Nice

Voldemort: Yeah, I know_pops collar_

_Oompa Loompas drag in Hermione and drop her on floor_

Oompa Loompas: We made a mistake

Oompa 1: She's alive

Oompa 2: Sorry!

_They walk off_

_Hermione stands up and rubs her forehead_

Hermione: I had this weird dream. I was in a chocolate factory with candy everywhere. There were these weird beings trying to push me into a vat of chocolate

_Oompa Loompas stick heads in from side _

Oompa Loompas: It wasn't a dream

Hermione: Well thank you for informing me before I ventured further into that hallucination

Conscience _to Harry_: Does she always talk like that?

Harry _can't see Conscience, waves hand around looking for person_: Who are YOU?

Conscience: I am the conscience of your good friend Voldy (I call him that too). He stuck me in a rock for 60 years. Also the horcruxes are hidden—

Voldemort_ interrupting conscience_: Hey, no talking Conscience!

Scene 3: Hedwig

Harry: Ron, you need to stop drinking!

_Hedwig enters_

Hedwig: _hits Harry on head_ Thanks for never thanking me for the past 6,336 letters!_Gives Harry letter_

Harry: I can't read this! It's in gibberish!

Hedwig: How should I know? I CAN'T READ

Ron: It's an invitation to Voldemort's party.

Harry: How can you read it? It's in gibberish!

Ron: Drunk vision!

Hedwig: You still haven't thanked me…. That's it; I'm going to Voldemort's side

_Voldemort stuffs conscience into bottle_

Conscience: Hey! It smells in here!

Ron: Hey…thash mine_faints_

Ginny: What a pity. He drank 61 bottles and his goal was 65

Hedwig: _to Voldemort_Shall we go evil?

Voldemort: Sure…

_Oompa Loompas enter and sing song foreshadowing death_

_Tune is Jingle Bells_

Death death death,

Death death death,

Evil's on it's way

Having fun, killing Ron and Harry Potter YAY

Death death death,

Death death death

Avada kedavra Voldemort's minions are

Oompa Loompa's-That's Us!

Death death death,

Death death death

Forever peaceful sleep

Except for Ron's peanut butter birdies, which he sees

Ron: HEY!

Death death death,

Death death death,

This song of death

Sang by oompas Kate and Meaghaneth

Scene 4: The Evil of Voldemort

Ginny: Why do those weird people keeps coming in?

Voldemort: Just to annoy you all so I may reign! They work for me! _Evil laugh_

Ginny: They're all big and funny

Voldemort: Did you insult my Oompa Loompas??  
_Points wand at Ginny_

Voldemort: Abra Kedabra! Oops wrong spell. Avada Kedavra!

_Misses Ginny_

Ginny: HAH!

Voldemort: Grrr…

_Conscience rolls of table and hits Voldemort in the heel_

Voldemort: Gah! My Achilles heel! My one weakness!

Hermione: I thought your one weakness was your horcruxes…

Ron: _groggily and drunkenly _I thought that was Achrilles…is he here?

Voldemort: _looks at Ron weirdly _Pfft!

Hermione: Ron, why did I ever fall in love with you?

Ron: Tomato, tomato

Voldemort: Can we get back to the point? I need to kill you!

Everyone except Voldemort: Sure!

Scene 5: Who killed Dumbledore?

Voldemort:_ goes up to Malfoy _Nice job killing Dumbledore. Up high, down low, ohh, too slow.

Malfoy: _falls on face, gets up and brushes off shoulders _Can't touch this Bling Bling.

Yeah, I killed Dumbledore _gulps loudly, loosens collar, shifty eyes_

Snape: You lily livered cockroach brained dog tail sucker. I did the dirty deed; I should get the dirty reward. You are not fit to suck the lint from between my toes.

Voldemort: Whaaa? Whatever. I am going to torture you with el tornillo en el ombligo

Malfoy: Que? _Scratches head_

Snape: Wait, I didn't know you spoke Spanish

Malfoy: Didn't you know? I took a crash course for 5 years.

Snape: Really? Where?

Malfoy: Why at El Molino of course

Voldemort: Can the two of you stop discussing crash courses and let me get on with the torturing?

Hermione: I didn't know you took that crash course too.

Ron: Yo amosh yosh paiytanosh y yosh yocos.

Harry: Ron, go back to sleep, you're not making any sense

Ron: But I don't wanna!

Ginny: Ron, you're embarrassing me.

Harry: I can't believe I've been in a room with Voldemort for over an hour and no one is dead yet.

Scene 6: The wackies of Fred and George

George: Ron, how much butterbeer did you drink?

Ron:_ holds up hands blurrily _I dunno.

Hermione: The idiot drank 61 bottles

Fred: Still a little tipsy are we?

Harry: How long would it take for you to get over 61 bottles?

Fred: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

George: Let's explode dung bombs on his head!

Fred: Yeah!

Voldemort: I'm the only one who can explode things here! _Points wand at random bottle _Explocodis Vaselis!

Conscience: _appears from mess of bottle _Picked the wrong bottle there Voldy!

Voldemort: Oh darn. Weaseled out again did you.

Ron: A GENIE! I wish the peanut butter birdies would come and give me a cookie.

Beth: Smooth Ron, smooth

Fred: I need to change my name, it's too old.

George: How about…Ginny!

Fred: That's my sister's name!

George: So is that a yes or a no?

Fred: Definite NO.

George: Josephine?

Fred: That's a girl's name!

George: Harry Potter?

Fred: Nah, there's already too many of those

George: The probability of you finding a good name is 1/27, 369.0

Fred: How did you learn that?!  
George: Googled it

Fred: How'd you google it?

Geoge: Internet

Fred: How'd you get the computer for the internet?

George: Internet

Fred: How'd you get the internet for the internet?

George: Internet

Fred: Oh! I get it_whispers _I don't get it

George: How about Fred?

Fred: Yeah, I like that name

_They wander off_

Scene 7: Where Luna and Hermione argue

Luna: Have you heard of Cornelius Fudge's army of heliopaths?

Hermione: There's no such thing

Luna: Yes there is, they're spirits of fire

Ron: I'm a spirit of fire

Hermione: _turns and points at Ron _You be quiet.

Luna: Shall I turn one of my eyebrows bright yellow?

Harry: Eh, no thanks Luna

Luna: Remember when you did that?

Harry: Uh, yeah Luna, I do. _ Whispers to Hermione _Let's change the subject

Hermione: So Luna, what about these imaginary heliopaths?

Luna: They're not imaginary

Hermione: Whatever, talk to the hand _does hand motion _

Luna: You did NOT just do that

Hermione: Oh yes I did!

Scene 8: Where girls gossip

Hannah Abbott: Have you seen the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

Pavarti: Johnny Depp is so HOT!

Lavender: OMG I KNOW! But I honestly think Ron is really HOT  
Ron: _walks in just as Lavender says this, looks scared, and walks out_

Ginny: HEY! That's my brother

Padma: Sorry Ginny, but he is

Ginny: Ok, it's your opinion… But Harry is kinda cute too…

Lavender and Padma: EW! Ron is so much hotter

Pavarti: I don't know, Harry is kinda cool… but he can't, or doesn't dance

Katie Bell: Hey, whatcha talking about?

All: The HOTTEST guys!

Katie: Okay, have you even SEEN George?

Ginny: AGAIN, he's my BROTHER!

Lavender: Hun, they may be your brothers but it's not OUR fault they're so HOT!

McGonagall: Who? Arthur Weasley?

Ginny: WHAT?

All: Um…I have to go that way _points in random direction_

Scene 9: Donde esta la cervesa de mantequilla?

Hermione: Where's the butterbeer? I need to hide it from Ron

Ginny: He drank 61 bottles; it's going to take him a week to recover.

Hermione: I hope not, I want my adorable little dope of a Ron to be back to normal. _Pause_Okay…I can't believe I said that.

Ginny: Erm… Too much info, Hermione. But while we are on the subject, he likes you too.

Hermione: _girl scream and wiggles happily_

Hermione: Okay…That was really out of character

Ginny: Yes it was._Pause _ But on the subject of you and Ron, I guess you'll live happily ever after and end up completely miserable

Hermione: Why?

Ginny: Because he is an idiotic dope of a brother and probably will be a dope of a husband too.

Hermione: Ah.

Ron: _picks up random butterbeer bottle _Hey, it's you with that frothiness

Ron: How are you today?

Ron: Me? I've been better and I've been worse. But Harry and Hermione are always on my case about this and that.

Ron: I know, Hermione can be so BOSSY! And Harry, don't even get me started on him.

Harry: Um, who are you talking too?

Ron: Why my new friend Bubbly. He doesn't boss me around like you and Hermione.

Hermione: Ron, it's a butterbeer bottle. It doesn't talk.

Ron: _covers mouth of bottle _Don't listen to her Bubbly. You can talk to me

Harry and Hermione: Whatever

Scene 10: Where CATFIGHTS happen

Harry: Hey Voldy! Give me back my pigeon!

Voldemort: What did I tell you about calling me Voldy?!

Hedwig: Pigeon?! I am no pigeon! Does a pigeon deliver 6,336 letters?

Harry: Sure. Ron's pigeon delivered 5,221 letters.

Ron: Hey no dissing my pigeon! It may be small, weak and kinda stupid. But no dissing my pigeon!

Harry: My pigeon can beat yours any day.

Ron: Oh yeah?

Harry: Yeah!

Ron: You wanna take this outside?

Harry: You wanna piece o' me?

Ron: Yeah!

Voldemort: Can we get back to the point Potty? I need to beat you up!

Harry: Alright Voldy, let's take this outside.

Voldemort: FINE, Potty, GOD! Must you be so violent?

Harry: Says the person who butchered 2,397 people.

Voldemort: Pshaw _waves hand dismissively_

_Switch to Luna and Hermione_

Luna: Heliopaths exist!

Hermione: No they don't_shakes Luna _HELIOPATHS DON'T EXIST!

Luna: _turns to McGonagall _Tell her heliopaths exist!

McGonagall: What on EARTH is a heliopath?

Luna: _runs around randomly _Oh look! A heliopath! Watch out, it's going to burn us all up with it's fiery breath!

Hermione: Must I reiterate: HELIOPATH'S DON'T EXIST!

Luna: Yes they do_ shakes Hermione, and points at Ron _LOOK!

Ron: I am a spirit of fire.

Hermione: Ron, shut up. You're DRUNK! D.R.U.N.K! Drunk! Comprende?

Ron: Nah

_Switch back to Voldy and Potty_

Harry: You blood stealer. I am better than you. You could have done NOTHING without me. NOTHING _pokes Voldy_

Voldemort: Bad Potty!_Hits on head_ Bad Potty! Tu estas un NINCOMPOOP

Harry: In ENGLISH?

Voldemort: A nincompoop, OBVIOUSLY

Harry: Thanks, sir, because you are a complete and total LACKWIT

Fred and George: CATFIGHT!!

_Harry and Voldemort slap each other. Conscience stand on the side and yells FOUL occasionally_

Harry and Voldemort: OK, we're done now.

Hermione: Finally. BOYS.

Scene 11: Where the play draws to an end

Voldemort: Bow down to me you subordinates.

Conscience: Not happening

Ron: Bubbly says he bows to no one and I stick with whatever Bubbly says

Hermione: Sigh. I can't believe I love you

Harry: And I can't believe I'm friends with you

Ron: Haha, and Bubbly says haha too

Harry: Thanks Ron and Bubbly.

Hermione: Don't tell me you believe in Bubbly too!

Harry: I'm just humoring him since he is completely and totally inebriated.

Hermione: Hey, that's MY word

Voldemort: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE POINT??

Ginny: Let's just bow and get this crazy party OVER WITH!

Everyone: _bow_

_Oompa Loompas run on_

Oompa Loompas: I guess we were wrong

Voldemort: _draws wand _Avada kedavra!

_Oompa 1 dies, and Oompa 2 runs off_

Voldemort: Bye bye little, simple, dimple, fickle, cutie, wutie student-kins

Extra 1: Hey that's MY name for you, itsy bitsy teensy weensy little dimple fickle cutie Voldy-kins

Ron: whatever

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**The original thank you note:**

Thanks to Marisa Elizabeth Shaina Jennine Kate Laurel Reta Iris and especially Trisha for helping us write this

Thank you to all the actors for helping us develop your characters

A special thanks to Marisa for the best ideas in the play

Thanks also to Laurel for the music and Elizabeth for the songs

**Key **

 Written entirely by Trisha, since the authors got to the first 'Hot', realized they couldn't write this and simultaneously yelled for their much more teenager-esc friend

 The screw in the stomach, a method of tickling

 A camp for outdoor education and Spanish emersion the authors visited

 A slurred version of yo amo los platanos y los locos; I love the bananas and the crazies.

 None of the following information is a part of or includes the author's opinions

 Where is the butterbeer?

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**_Great_ memories! **

**Thanks for reading **

**-Nyota **


End file.
